I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was twenty five, three years after the rapes and beatings stopped. When the abuse ended I got a job. Found a man. Purchased a house.. All the usual things.. Then..
It just all came crashing down. Looking back at my earlier life.. Teens.. During which I took A LOT of ANY drug I could lay my hands on.. I realise I was attempting to self medicate extreme depression or agitation. Almost always.
This may sound odd but I honestly believed it was just that I was rubbish at coping.
I thought everyone felt like me and I was just really bad at dealing with it.
But the abuse aggravated it. Made those mood swings worse. One month I would be manic the next suicidal.
I went to the doctors and said "something is wrong, I want to die"
i don't think he took me all that seriously. He gave me a prescription for antidepressants.
the very next day I returned, its worth bearing in mind that I had not yet taken the antidepressants.
I was bouncing off the walls. Almost literally. Grinning like an idiot. The doctor took one look at me and said "I think you have bipolar disorder, Im referring you to the psych unit". Thus began the medications. I hate those. I will talk about them in another post or ten because you almost need a phd just to keep up with my prescription!
I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost my partner. I was not in a terrible state at this point, it was simply that as soon as they knew my diagnosis they started detatching from me. Looking for a way to get rid of the inconvenience of my illness.
Fast foward to me at close to fourty. I am weaning off of my medications as I have been stable for years. I have disposed of six stone of unwanted fat which I gained as a result of taking a delightful drug called seroquel.
I developed Psoriatic Arthropathy. Now, I have a mood disorder which causes insomnia, anxiety, mania, depression and agitation. Add shedloads of constant pain to the mix and you get depression. Currently I feel lousy. Every part of me hurts and I am having to make a concerted effort to demonstrate any form of enthusiasm or joy. I feel like rubbish. But I won't be beaten. I refuse. I have plans.